


You Don't Have to Say It

by casuallyywriting



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x09, Canon Compliant, Coda, Dean Winchester - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, Empty deal, M/M, Purgatory, Season 15, Spoilers for Season 13, castiel - Freeform, spoilers for season 15
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:34:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28458369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casuallyywriting/pseuds/casuallyywriting
Summary: *Coda to Season 15 Episode 9*My take on Dean's apology, and why Cas cut him off from saying anything more.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 20





	You Don't Have to Say It

The sky is gray and overcast, pressing against the top of the trees as if threatening to rain, despite the oppressive dryness of the air that promises to choke the life out of anything and everything. There is no breeze to carry the cocktail stench of sulfur and rotting meat and every other horrible thing on this planet and beyond, the kind of smell that keeps vomit pressing at the back of your throat. There’s no sound for miles except the rustling of leaves. Even the monsters seem to be staying away, for once. The whole place is dead, lifeless; not even a bug could manage to live here.

And, yet, none of that matters.

Not now.

Cas is gone. Taken by vamps, en route to Lilith. There’s less than thirty minutes until the rift will close, and it’ll be too late to get Cas back.

There’s a feeling of hopelessness, more oppressive than the suffocating air, more lethal than any vamp or leviathan in this hellhole. And Dean feels it--pressing against his ribcage, with the sickness welling in his throat, in the words, repeating over and over in his head. There was more he could’ve done. He should’ve seen the signs that the vamp wasn’t simply helping. He should’ve seen the angel’s trap before Cas even set foot within it. He shouldn’t have let Cas come with him to Purgatory in the first place.

There’s nothing left to do. Nothing left but to pray to Cas and hope that he’s listening. Hope that he’s not gone.

Dean leans his hand on a tree, taking a few breaths before speaking into the empty air.

“Cas?”

The silence around him shatters. He waits for a few moments, as if Cas would appear before his eyes, unharmed and okay.

“Cas, I hope you can hear me.” Dean pulls in a shaky breath. “That wherever you are, it’s not too late.” Those words alone drop an unwavering sickness in his gut. Speaking aloud makes this _real_ , but he knows he can’t stop now, not with the uncertainty of if Cas is even alive, not with the knowledge that he hasn’t the strength to say these words any other time.

Dean takes a moment to collect his thoughts, so everything won’t come spilling out at once.

“I should’ve stopped you. You’re my best friend, but I just let you go….” He shakes his head, forcing himself to speak around the lump in his throat. “‘Cause that was easier than admitting I was wrong.”

His hands balls into a fist, and he shuts his eyes, willing, begging himself not to cry. He can’t break, not now. He has to get this out. Cas has to know. Dean looks around, but nobody’s around. Not even Cas. He sinks to his knees, leaning heavily on the tree, as the first tears begin to fall.

“I…” He lets out a long breath. “I don’t know why I get so angry. I just know...I know that it’s always been there. And when things go bad, it comes out. And I can’t...I can’t stop it.” Tears are falling earnestly now, and his voice is breaking with every new word, but he refuses to stop now, even if he can only speak in a voice hardly above a whisper. “No matter how bad I want to, I...I just can’t stop it. And I for…forgive you. Of _course_ I forgive you.” Dean hits his fist against the tree.

He pauses, and in the momentary silence, his mind spits out the one, horrifying, dizzying truth that he isn’t brave enough to say out loud.

_I love you, Cas._

He can’t say it aloud. Even now, even with Cas hell-knows-where, even with Chuck’s promise that this is the end, even if Cas deserves to hear it, he can’t bring himself to say it. Not now, and maybe not ever.

“I’m sorry it took me so long…I’m sorry it took me ‘til now to say it.”

_I’m sorry that I don’t have the guts to say it._

“Cas…I’m so sorry.”

Dean drops his head, his face crumbling, and his voice drops lower.

“Man, I hope you can hear me. I hope you can hear me.”

He takes a second to collect himself, wiping away tears that are soon replaced by more, anyway, and he stands.

“Okay,” he says, a new determination running through him.

He starts walking, plans falling into place in his head. He’ll get to the portal. He’ll get Sam and whoever else he can and come back and save Cas. He’ll storm up to Chuck and demand he bring back Cas whatever it takes.

And if-- _when_ \--they get Cas back, Dean will tell Cas he loves him, everything else be damned.

* * *

The rough bark of the tree digs into Cas’s back as he stares blankly ahead, praying to whatever’s listening that Dean makes it back in time. By his estimation, less than three minutes are on the clock until the rift closes and they’re both stuck here for good. He silently curses himself, silently curses that he can’t just teleport to Dean, that he got separated from him in the first place, that he even let Dean come back to Purgatory at all.

The soft sound of footsteps makes itself known, but Cas doesn’t move. With any luck, whatever it is will move on past and not notice him. It’s an overly optimistic thought; any number of the Purgatory dwellers can sense an angel--Cas is surprised he hasn’t been found now.

Dean’s prayer circles through his mind like a broken record. Of course he forgives Dean. He may do more-than-questionable things at times, but it’s still Dean. He does everything for a good reason, even if the execution is less-than-ideal. Even with all the bad things--accepting the Mark of Cain, letting Gadreel possess Sam, locking Jack in the Ma’lak box--he’s always had a motivation stemming from love.

_Love._

That single word brings Cas back to Dean’s speech. He hadn’t said it aloud, and Cas doesn’t think he even meant to think it, but somehow, Cas knows it’s the truth. A truth that’s been buried for far, far too long.

_I love you, Cas._

Any other time Cas would’ve been overjoyed to know for certain that what he feels towards Dean isn’t one sided, and any other time he would tell him as soon as they were face-to-face.

Yet, there was still the deal he made with the Empty. And he knew that if he were to reciprocate--even with Chuck’s threat looming in the background--he would be, for once, happy. Cas knows he can’t let that happen. Not with Sam and Dean in danger--not with the whole world and countless others in danger. For now, it’s enough to know how Dean feels, even if he could never say it back. It’s everything he could never dream of asking for.

A figure moves in the corner of his eyes, and he jumps.

“Dean,” he says, rising to his feet, unperturbed by the shotgun now aimed at his chest.

The shock in Dean’s eyes falls away, now replaced with something hopeful. “Cas?”

Cas releases a long breath he didn’t know he was holding. “You made it.” He tries to keep the overwhelming relief from his voice.

“I made it?” Dean says in disbelief.

Cas walks towards him, and Dean meets him halfway, pulling him in for a one-armed hug, the other still gripping the shotgun. They stand in the embrace for a moment, if only to ensure that the other is alive and in front of them.

“You okay?” Dean says, stepping back.

“I’m fine.”

“What happened?” He looks Cas over, concern still written on his face.

“They were after me and not you. I figured it would be safest to give myself up.”

“Did they take you to Eve?”

“Yeah, we were en route. I waited until…I saw this.” Cas reaches inside his coat as he speaks to pull out a slightly disheveled leviathan blossom. “It got a little smooshed.” He tries to laugh, but it comes out as more of an exhale. Dean looks at him, his unspoken confession written all across his face, his eyes filled with it. Cas’s heart pangs. “Once I had

the blossom, I fought. Caught them off guard, they fought back. I managed to get away.” “You did it,” Dean says, an underlying meaning that Cas can’t quite comprehend weighing on the words. Dean smiles, making the surroundings look overwhelmingly dim. “You did it, Cas.”

“Well, they’re still after me. We should hurry.”

Dean looks around, looking like he’s gathering courage. “Okay, Cas. I need to say something.”

Cas’s heart drops. Despite what Dean thought, he is far braver than he seems to believe, and of course this would be the time to say it. Still the Empty’s words persist, always jogging in the back of Cas’s mind. Going against what his heart desires, to let Dean speak, he cuts him off.

“You don’t have to say it,” Cas says. “I heard your prayer.”

Those few words are enough for Dean to keep silent, his eyes filling with something like pain. Cas gives him a small, hopefully reassuring smile, praying that Dean understands he isn’t trying to reject him, that he wants Dean to say it, but this is neither the right time nor circumstance. Cas can’t shake the feeling that Dean looks incredibly hurt anyway, even as he starts to walk towards the rift. He can’t help but notice that it takes Dean a moment to follow him.

_I love you too, Dean. I wish I could say it aloud._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> If you'd like to hear more from me, drop on over to:  
> My Main Tumblr: @cold-starry-nights  
> Wattpad: @FantasyWriting1753
> 
> If you have any suggestions for how I can improve, or any fic ideas, bring 'em on!


End file.
